On Tuesday Morning, I posted what some may call a rant on my Instagram account:

“Time for some real talk. 
This picture was taken at 6pm last week. I got out of bed for the first time and got dressed at 4:30pm. I was unmotivated to do anything-eat, work, take care of my family. Nothing. 
Somehow my husband managed to get me out. I asked him to take a picture because I needed something for instagram. 
Isn’t that so sad? That I couldn’t function but out of concerns of gaining and losing followers, i took a picture that makes me seem like life is perfect and dandy. “Hey, look at me shopping, taking care of my baby, and looking amazing at the same time. Isn’t my life awesome?”
My account is no longer a business account. I will not be as focused on my account and i will not be pretending as much on my account. 
My pursuit of happiness trumps a digital pursuit of approval. 
This should be fun.”

This post got a lot of feedback. Almost all was positive, and some was sheer confusion. So let me clear some stuff up for y’all.

What brought me to post such a personal post? A few things. 

I started using my personal Instagram account as a fashion blog account just a few months ago. It started with some simple pictures wearing some modest looks I put together. I saw how much people enjoyed my posts, and began to focus more on my outfits and posting.

Day by day, I’d get a few followers. I began to get a little greedy. I would research which hashtags were trending, I’d study other fashion blogger accounts. I could not understand how some of these accounts had so many followers, while I had a measly 2000. I messaged one of these accounts, asking them what they did to get the tens of thousands of followers that they had. “It happened organically I guess,” they said.

But still, how could they have so many followers but less likes on their posts than me? I then learned about the different companies that give accounts followers, both real and fake. I toyed with the idea of paying for a service, but never pulled the trigger.

It began to gnaw at me. Look at all of these people, with their followers, getting all these free gifts. Look at me, working so hard to get poor results in return.

I decided to make my account a business one. I thought that maybe that would get me some legitimacy. The business account allowed me to see when I got the most profile views, how many times my website was clicked on, and what my demographic of followers was. I would check these stats daily, sometimes numerous times a day.

I’d then return to the other bloggers, with their gazillion followers and perfect looking-lives. I tried to step it up more- better pictures, better hashtags, giveaways. The obsession kept growing and worsening, bringing me to constantly refresh my Instagram app to see if anyone liked or commented on my photo, or if someone followed me.

Instagram used to be something fun. It used to be a means for me to express myself. As of recent, it has become a means to kill time, to breed jealousy and greed, and make me absolutely miserable.

And so, I switched my account back to a personal one, and have made a resolve to change my account, and myself, for the better.

Am I still going to post about modest style? Yes and no.

I’m all about promoting modest dress and companies who produce these products. I will still be posting about different companies and doing product reviews. I will not be doing it as frequently, and it will not be my account’s focus.

The account will be focused on growth, positivity, motivation, and the pursuit of happiness. Retail therapy may or may not play a large part in that.

Am I ok? Do I have depression or something? Yes and yes. 

I received many messages asking me if I spoke to my doctor about postpartum depression; I have. I have been struggling with depression for the past few months. It began even before the baby was born. I am being treated and am working on myself every day. I have good days and bad days, but I strive to tilt the scales toward good as best as I can.

Why am I publicizing all of this? Because I need to.

One follower commented, “Instead of reaching out to strangers why don’t you get proper counseling for whatever your issues are. Just not sure what you’re accomplishing”. I am reaching out to strangers. I am reaching out to them so that they know that this is real life. I looked at so many accounts and thought, “wow, their lives are so amazing”. I’m sure my profile was no different. I realized that so many people are silently struggling with anxiety, depression, and living a lie on social media.  The amount of feedback I’ve received since I published my piece about anxiety is astounding. I had some reservations before publicizing my struggles, but I now have no regrets. 

I’ve decided to post what I want, when I want, how I want. No more forcing myself to put on something when I don’t want to, no more pretending that my life is perfect, no more pursuing followers or trying to get free stuff. Some people may appreciate my honesty, some may not, but hey, thats why there’s an unfollow option right?


7 Responses

  1. Wow I love ur motto and what your doing on Instagram. You r super strong women (let alone what how you get thru the day). I know cuz I’ve been there so many times. You totally got this girl! Thanks for giving us the chance to be real and validated within ourselves. Your a fresh of breath air girl!

  2. Love love this! You’ve totally hit the nail on the head. I too have felt so much like you but in a business aspect. I also have asked a few bloggers who have some high numbered followers what they do. One actually told me they do buy some! I also toyed with it but for what purpose? I don’t need fake I want only real followers. All a business or blog needs is that few wh are faithful supporters. One blogger also told me that she would tell me what she does later. I myself have only contacted 2 bloggers one said yes! I’d love to collab and then fell off the band wagon. Another big time didn’t even respond. The 3rd told me she no longer collabs only for me to see her collaborating the next week. To me there is “clicks” so called with some fashion bloggers and I want nothing to do with it. They all comment on each other’s photos and you know they can’t LOVE every pic! Haha You also can totally tell fake followers. One blogger seriously got so many followers in a very short amount of time it was obvious, plus you can buy comments too. It’s very sad the facade that social media puts out. I was actually talking to a girl who said she had to delete hers because she got so depressed and she would cry everytime she went on. Or there’s followers who follow you but choose not to like your post for whatever reason ( I’m thinking they don’t want others to see ) lol I’m with you be real And that’s exactly what the unfollow button is for. What drives me crazy is the ones who follow / unfollow and keep doing it. I think IG should put a limit you unfollow more then twice then your done. Also side not, what about the new stores / bloggers etc that come on just to follow all your followers? Talk about making it easy for them. I say do your own hard work ( maybe that’s too harsh) but seriously there’s an plugin that alerts me on my website which it tide to IG when people do this. I use to have an auto block after 10 followers of mine Ben we’re followed in a row until one store tripped on me and said I was the parinod one. Haha!! Sad how money is the root of all evil and that’s what’s people want. If your an overnight success it won’t last.. Love your honesty and how your so real. Some people can’t take it but I’m cheering you on.. Sucess takes time and LOTS of work..

  3. I hope you’re feeling better. Depression and anxiety are really tough challenges to overcome. Keep going!

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