On Tuesday Morning, I posted what some may call a rant on my Instagram account:
“Time for some real talk.
This picture was taken at 6pm last week. I got out of bed for the first time and got dressed at 4:30pm. I was unmotivated to do anything-eat, work, take care of my family. Nothing.
Somehow my husband managed to get me out. I asked him to take a picture because I needed something for instagram.
Isn’t that so sad? That I couldn’t function but out of concerns of gaining and losing followers, i took a picture that makes me seem like life is perfect and dandy. “Hey, look at me shopping, taking care of my baby, and looking amazing at the same time. Isn’t my life awesome?”
My account is no longer a business account. I will not be as focused on my account and i will not be pretending as much on my account.
My pursuit of happiness trumps a digital pursuit of approval.
This should be fun.”
This post got a lot of feedback. Almost all was positive, and some was sheer confusion. So let me clear some stuff up for y’all.
What brought me to post such a personal post? A few things.
I started using my personal Instagram account as a fashion blog account just a few months ago. It started with some simple pictures wearing some modest looks I put together. I saw how much people enjoyed my posts, and began to focus more on my outfits and posting.
Day by day, I’d get a few followers. I began to get a little greedy. I would research which hashtags were trending, I’d study other fashion blogger accounts. I could not understand how some of these accounts had so many followers, while I had a measly 2000. I messaged one of these accounts, asking them what they did to get the tens of thousands of followers that they had. “It happened organically I guess,” they said.
But still, how could they have so many followers but less likes on their posts than me? I then learned about the different companies that give accounts followers, both real and fake. I toyed with the idea of paying for a service, but never pulled the trigger.
It began to gnaw at me. Look at all of these people, with their followers, getting all these free gifts. Look at me, working so hard to get poor results in return.
I decided to make my account a business one. I thought that maybe that would get me some legitimacy. The business account allowed me to see when I got the most profile views, how many times my website was clicked on, and what my demographic of followers was. I would check these stats daily, sometimes numerous times a day.
I’d then return to the other bloggers, with their gazillion followers and perfect looking-lives. I tried to step it up more- better pictures, better hashtags, giveaways. The obsession kept growing and worsening, bringing me to constantly refresh my Instagram app to see if anyone liked or commented on my photo, or if someone followed me.
Instagram used to be something fun. It used to be a means for me to express myself. As of recent, it has become a means to kill time, to breed jealousy and greed, and make me absolutely miserable.
And so, I switched my account back to a personal one, and have made a resolve to change my account, and myself, for the better.
Am I still going to post about modest style? Yes and no.
I’m all about promoting modest dress and companies who produce these products. I will still be posting about different companies and doing product reviews. I will not be doing it as frequently, and it will not be my account’s focus.
The account will be focused on growth, positivity, motivation, and the pursuit of happiness. Retail therapy may or may not play a large part in that.
Am I ok? Do I have depression or something? Yes and yes.
I received many messages asking me if I spoke to my doctor about postpartum depression; I have. I have been struggling with depression for the past few months. It began even before the baby was born. I am being treated and am working on myself every day. I have good days and bad days, but I strive to tilt the scales toward good as best as I can.
Why am I publicizing all of this? Because I need to.
One follower commented, “Instead of reaching out to strangers why don’t you get proper counseling for whatever your issues are. Just not sure what you’re accomplishing”. I am reaching out to strangers. I am reaching out to them so that they know that this is real life. I looked at so many accounts and thought, “wow, their lives are so amazing”. I’m sure my profile was no different. I realized that so many people are silently struggling with anxiety, depression, and living a lie on social media. The amount of feedback I’ve received since I published my piece about anxiety is astounding. I had some reservations before publicizing my struggles, but I now have no regrets.
I’ve decided to post what I want, when I want, how I want. No more forcing myself to put on something when I don’t want to, no more pretending that my life is perfect, no more pursuing followers or trying to get free stuff. Some people may appreciate my honesty, some may not, but hey, thats why there’s an unfollow option right?